Depression...or

is it just the life of being a trucker? I got home last Saturday and to put it mildly, I'm wasted. I went out again this Wednesday to deliver a coil up to Lake City, FL and then returned to the house. I have little or no motivation to do anything other than sit in "my" black chair in our living room. Sometimes I watch tv, other times I'll read a book or magazine and the rest of the time, I'm sleeping. Talking to other OTR truckers this is pretty much the same "hometime" scenario with them. But, I think it is more than that. I am scared, afraid - unwilling to even think about anything beyond sitting in that black chair. It does not matter that I'm out of the bad weather - I live in Florida where the temperature tomorrow will be in the high 70's. So what? I live 90 miles from Disney World, about 15 miles from one of the highest rated beaches in the world and am surrounded by a plethora of good food, entertainment and sports. And none of it matters to me. I might as well be living in Siberia. I would like nothing more than to fall asleep and stay asleep - to not wake up and deal with anything or anyone. Life right now is complicated. I'm in a constant state of "overwhelm." The few things I might want to do, I don't feel comfortable expressing. Everyone around me seems to be playing games. I can be sitting or standing and my heart will start to pound for no reason. Someone or something is flicking my emotional switch up and down, up and down. I get short of breath just writing this. I'm due to go back on the road next Thursday. I watch the time as if that day is my execution day. I feel trapped without any clue as to how to escape this hell I'm in. What I am going to do is "journal" how I feel for the next few days. Perhaps if you feel like I do, you will know you're not alone. I know that there are times I will talk to another driver and realize that he is experiencing the same feelings I am. It does offer some comfort that I know I'm not alone.