and I'm sitting eating dinner here at the Flying J. I'm closely monitoring the rear ends of the young waitresses as they wiggle past me. Whatever is on the television is of no interest to me. I'm fantasizing what each of them would look like in a bikini or short summer dress running bear foot in the grass. The sun coming in through the open blinds feels good on my head. I don't want to leave. It 's probably the best I've felt since last weekend when I sitting at some other Flying J watching other waitresses rear ends. But, something is definitely wrong today. I just don't feel good. I'm away from home. I'm not driving, hence not making any money. And, I'm getting fat and my health is swirling down the drain. My mood this week has been effected by all this plus spending some time in a flooded retention pond in Jonesboro, AR. So let's talk about one of my favorite subjects - depression. Specifically how depression correlates to communication. When your depressed, the last thing you feel like doing is talking to someone. That's because the person you're talking to, who doesn't really understand how you feel, cannot possibly tell you what you want to hear. Talking makes you feel worse. And you end up making the person you're talking to feel worse. So you avoid people altogether. You, if you're not careful, will sink deeper and deeper in a hole of negative thought. You do a head trip on yourself of worst case senarios and feel like you're just a loser. Along with this, you will possibly overeat. Unchecked, you begin to drift further and further from shore, which in this case, is a balanced level headed motivated person. In a conversation with my wife this week, I needed sympathy. She told that all she needed me to do is work my ass off so we can pay the bills. She had someone coming to the house to give her an estimate on repairing some damage to the attic. It was $500. In my frame of mind at that point, the absolute last thing I needed to hear was anything concerning anything that did not directly concern my immediate need for some kind of lifeline. And, I in turn did not (could not) communicate that I was extremely concerned about my health, my job after the "pond" incident and my fantasy of getting off the road. You know the expression - "idle hands are the devils workshop?" Well, for the OTR driver, not driving and keeping busy opens the door wide open for 'ole Mr. Depression to make an appearance. So while sitting in the Flying J with the sun beaming on my face, I was thinking about all this. And I reached no conclusions. In many ways, I'm lost. The kind of lost where all you want is a motorcycle and a new job with health insurance. You think of actually leaving behind the job at 5pm and go home. Getting off the road. Talking to your wife face to face. But would that actually work out? Who knows. I'm going to buy a chocolate egg for Easter, go back out to the truck and watch another taped episode of Law & Order. The photo is from: http://www.24hourmuseum.org.uk/content/images/2004_2613.JPG
Sunday, March 23, 2008
Sunday night...Easter...
and I'm sitting eating dinner here at the Flying J. I'm closely monitoring the rear ends of the young waitresses as they wiggle past me. Whatever is on the television is of no interest to me. I'm fantasizing what each of them would look like in a bikini or short summer dress running bear foot in the grass. The sun coming in through the open blinds feels good on my head. I don't want to leave. It 's probably the best I've felt since last weekend when I sitting at some other Flying J watching other waitresses rear ends. But, something is definitely wrong today. I just don't feel good. I'm away from home. I'm not driving, hence not making any money. And, I'm getting fat and my health is swirling down the drain. My mood this week has been effected by all this plus spending some time in a flooded retention pond in Jonesboro, AR. So let's talk about one of my favorite subjects - depression. Specifically how depression correlates to communication. When your depressed, the last thing you feel like doing is talking to someone. That's because the person you're talking to, who doesn't really understand how you feel, cannot possibly tell you what you want to hear. Talking makes you feel worse. And you end up making the person you're talking to feel worse. So you avoid people altogether. You, if you're not careful, will sink deeper and deeper in a hole of negative thought. You do a head trip on yourself of worst case senarios and feel like you're just a loser. Along with this, you will possibly overeat. Unchecked, you begin to drift further and further from shore, which in this case, is a balanced level headed motivated person. In a conversation with my wife this week, I needed sympathy. She told that all she needed me to do is work my ass off so we can pay the bills. She had someone coming to the house to give her an estimate on repairing some damage to the attic. It was $500. In my frame of mind at that point, the absolute last thing I needed to hear was anything concerning anything that did not directly concern my immediate need for some kind of lifeline. And, I in turn did not (could not) communicate that I was extremely concerned about my health, my job after the "pond" incident and my fantasy of getting off the road. You know the expression - "idle hands are the devils workshop?" Well, for the OTR driver, not driving and keeping busy opens the door wide open for 'ole Mr. Depression to make an appearance. So while sitting in the Flying J with the sun beaming on my face, I was thinking about all this. And I reached no conclusions. In many ways, I'm lost. The kind of lost where all you want is a motorcycle and a new job with health insurance. You think of actually leaving behind the job at 5pm and go home. Getting off the road. Talking to your wife face to face. But would that actually work out? Who knows. I'm going to buy a chocolate egg for Easter, go back out to the truck and watch another taped episode of Law & Order. The photo is from: http://www.24hourmuseum.org.uk/content/images/2004_2613.JPG
