No, I don’t go around with a pen and paper everywhere, especially in the “can” – well, maybe sometimes. It is all an internal process. One part of my mind is always creating, another is editing and yet another is storing everything for later. I even have a television and movie division in my head that translates ideas into scripts and screenplays.
The minute I take all that “off my mind” by developing the thought by typing on my laptop or Blackberry, the very next minute my brain has moved onto something else. And so forth and so on.
This is not a talent or a gift, but a curse. You’d think with all “that” going on inside my brain, I’d be out in Hollywood somewhere or you would have seen my name on the bestsellers list.
Well, this whole 24/7 writing on the brain thing didn’t “intensify” until I got to be about 40. I don’t know why or how, but around that time my mind just took off on its own in “decided” its own direction. I didn’t have any control over it. And more importantly, I didn’t know what to do with it.
So, here I am. I write. I blog. I write I blog elsewhere. I write. I have published a few things. I wrote some of a book, but didn’t finish it. I have started another book, but I’m screwing around not pursuing it. That’s probably because I have the entire story summary done and my mind has moved onto other things. And I’ve been paid for some of the things I’ve done – some of the time.
But while my mind keeps crunching out things for me to write – I’m stalled. Not creatively, but I guess I’d say “operationally.” By that I mean how to get UP to the next level, through that proverbial glass ceiling separating successful writers from the shlubs. I’ve moved on from wannabe to a do-a-be to a sella-get-paid-be. But I need – funny how I say need – but that’s what it’s become – to legitimatize what I do by not only getting more recognition, but getting paid more and more frequently for doing it. Otherwise, I am, sadly, wasting my time.
So here’s the problem. One is, there is an “entity” that owes me about $500 and is screwing around paying me. That obviously pisses me off. This is the second time something like this has happened to me. It sours me on the whole process.
Second, I’ve gone and “reached out” to other writers who have “freelance” blogs to seek guidance. Big mistake. I’m too honest, too aggressive and alpha males should avoid at all cost the whole coom-b-eye-yah thing. I don’t need hugs and creepy warm fuzzy advise from soccer moms and wine country liberal middle aged contributors to the Ladies Home Journal. I somehow have to do this on my own.
So, sometime in the middle of the night, a thought came to me. Take a sec and look at the picture of the ice. I am that ship. I have the ability to move forward and get through the ice. But it isn’t going to be easy. I am strong, but the skin of my hull is thin, not able to withstand too many hits from heavy sharp solid objects, or people that don’t pay me!
If I can make it through, there are warmer calmer seas at the other end. And that’s where I want to be. I visualize writing and publishing 5 books. I don’t know what about, but it doesn’t matter.
Magazine freelancing right now is too painful for me. I can see making enough money from writing as I get older, so I don’t have to work at Publix packing groceries and going home to my double wide to write the trailer park newsletter.
The waters are icy.There is a hell of a lot of competition out there. But somehow I think I’ll make it through, I hope,I think….ahhhh.
The photo credit is: onlinefast.org/v4/index.php?blog=11&title=lfo.
