So just where the hell am I? In general I mean, not geographically. I'm actally not sure to tell you the truth. I getting more and more comfortable with becoming an SOB. I'm starting to like making people feel uncomfortable. I'd like to be just like Simon Cowell. I wouldn't mind looking more like him as well. But there are things that are holding me back. One is my never ending battle with who I am. 54 years old and I'm still learning. Guilt or something like that is also somewhat of a problem. I'd like to be an SOB, but not think about the consequences. I'm not trying to be abusive. I just making up for lost time. "They" say you should try and forgive. I'm not able to do that. I have no desire to do that. I hate - no dislike - myself for not standing up for myself in the past. I think about those times more than I want to. I try to squelch those thoughts, but it's hard. I was just watching a Brilliant Mind starring Russell Crowe - playing John Nash. If you have not seen the movie, you should. He suffers from Schizophrenia. He not only heard voices but would see people he created or people from his past telling him - sometimes - yelling - at him what to do. Well, thank goodness I'm not schizophrenic but my mind does bring up past events and people - I don't know why - and I'm forced to think about it. Perhaps it some form of self-healing, I don't know. Perhaps the only time I don't think about a lot is when I'm writing, which is probably while I enjoy doing it so much. It focuses in my thought process totally on the subject at hand like nothing else. There are times I'm working outside when my mind goes way off in some absurb (I say that now) tangent and I end up angry. I wonder why the hell I do that. It takes energy to fight that and "clear" or "refocus" my thinking into something much more positive. My mind can be a real pain in the ass sometimes.
Friday, May 29, 2009
A Pain In The Ass Mind...
So just where the hell am I? In general I mean, not geographically. I'm actally not sure to tell you the truth. I getting more and more comfortable with becoming an SOB. I'm starting to like making people feel uncomfortable. I'd like to be just like Simon Cowell. I wouldn't mind looking more like him as well. But there are things that are holding me back. One is my never ending battle with who I am. 54 years old and I'm still learning. Guilt or something like that is also somewhat of a problem. I'd like to be an SOB, but not think about the consequences. I'm not trying to be abusive. I just making up for lost time. "They" say you should try and forgive. I'm not able to do that. I have no desire to do that. I hate - no dislike - myself for not standing up for myself in the past. I think about those times more than I want to. I try to squelch those thoughts, but it's hard. I was just watching a Brilliant Mind starring Russell Crowe - playing John Nash. If you have not seen the movie, you should. He suffers from Schizophrenia. He not only heard voices but would see people he created or people from his past telling him - sometimes - yelling - at him what to do. Well, thank goodness I'm not schizophrenic but my mind does bring up past events and people - I don't know why - and I'm forced to think about it. Perhaps it some form of self-healing, I don't know. Perhaps the only time I don't think about a lot is when I'm writing, which is probably while I enjoy doing it so much. It focuses in my thought process totally on the subject at hand like nothing else. There are times I'm working outside when my mind goes way off in some absurb (I say that now) tangent and I end up angry. I wonder why the hell I do that. It takes energy to fight that and "clear" or "refocus" my thinking into something much more positive. My mind can be a real pain in the ass sometimes.
